A love worth fighting for.

These past two days, I think I found love. A one-way love. I, loving him or just liking him, and he, just nothing. Nothing for me. I cried, hard. Like I am not in love for the first time. I don’t know why, because maybe I assumed that we can be something. Because he has given me reasons to pretend to. He admitted to my friend and I that he still loves her ex-girlfriend. That girl who is more beautiful than me, a girl who he thinks is just the one. It’s killing me. I don’t know why I cried for that one simple reason. I am nothing to him, just a friend. It’s awkward to let you know that we just met December of last year, and I started to have feelings for him this January, the first two weeks of the New Year. I want to stab myself. I let my emotions conquer me again. I let my own reasons to manipulate myself. I am wondering what’s worst. And the worst is I think I liked him a lot. They say I love him, but either way I try to look I just can’t find the perfect words to describe if I am really in love with this guy. It is like we just met, and then I fell for him. 
No guts, I still hope for him to like me, when he stopped breathing for her. However every time I look at him, when I am talking to him, I can see, that love, it will never be for me. As much as I hope for the stars to come down and take him away with me, it will never happen. As much as I pretend as if I am not affected in front of him the more vulnerable I am within.
And I made the biggest mistake of my life. I questioned God. Why He did not give me what I want? Maybe, he is not what I need. I always find myself in the midst of fault reasoning and timing. When I liked someone, they have their loves. What the hell am I thinking that there is a way that we can be something? I am the first one who admitted the feelings. And damn, it’s like I am the one who is courting someone. Heaven and earth help me!
I want to hold him in my arms, like what I have just said to him a while ago, he is worth loving. If I am that one to love him, I will take care of him, I will love him the way he should be love, and I will fight for him like nobody else can, and no one else can come between us. If I am that someone, I would never ever let go. But maybe they just can’t continue fighting for the love they have. Nevertheless, for me, even the world hates the two of you, even if the world would look hunting for your blood, even if the earth wanted you to fight each other, I won’t. Even the world fall apart, I would want to live with him, because that’s why you love, you will take every moment just to be together. You will dare have the sun to just be there and shine your path. Why would I even let go of someone, whom I know I should be with right now. On the other hand, the waters of the streams and leaves of the trees won’t give me the power to have him. I just can’t have him although I want to stare at him beside me for a lifetime. Maybe I am only saying this because I really like him. I don’t know. It may change. For now, I will just be like this. If he likes me for what I am, for what I am doing and making him feel, it will sure pay off. So now I am really like that one courting a girl?
I don’t want to beg God, to give me him. If we are the lovers, then we will be just right in time. I don’t want to rush things again. I will end up getting hurt somehow.
If we were just destined to be friends, then I will accept it. Soon enough if we weren’t, my heart will stop yearning and longing for him. I’ll just be the way I am from this moment forth. If we should be the newest couple of the town then we will in a matter of time. I just have to believe. God will find a way, if it’s written in his wills. 

Just I, who used to be.

I have no classes for four consecutive hours. And I hate it. In sense that I don’t want free time, but I hate it, because nothing productive happened. I just hate long hours of breaks, especially when you need them the day before. At least I had finished my works, my take home quiz for my FIL101.
And after that, it is time to go home. (Sigh) it is like one subject and then your off. As one bullet through your head, and you’re gone, no remorse and no going backs.
So today, I decided not to share “sigh effects” things, but I decided to look on the brighter side and share things differently. Not love, no LOVE for today. 
I woke up this morning really late, 30 minutes late! Damn, within those 30 minutes, I might have executed time on cooking my breakfast. And then I just decided to pour hot water on the noodles, but eventually it turned out that the heater for the water, is just limited within 20*. So I used my roommate’s boiler, and yes, at long last, I have achieved what I wanted with those noodles.
So, going to school, and my closest friend put make-up on me, light make-up. I wanted to refuse yet when the people around me said, “It looks good on you!” “You are beautiful!” It fits me, they said. Then, I have no arguments to make no more, I don’t have to be disgusted, I was thankful, somewhat I felt coquette. I am waiting for this guy, to see me that way, maybe he can also see magic after then. Nevertheless, we didn’t meet. Maybe God wanted him to see me, just the simple me, simple yet flawless in every ways.
It is the thought of the night: Be simple, be just who you are.
It is not really hard just to be yourself. Yes, people may judge you but that’s how you act, that’s how you foresee the world so why hide behind the clouds, so why hide behind someone else’s personality?
If you are ugly, but kindhearted, no need to withhold the fact that you are. You can try to be splendid but make sure you are on the right track.
Being just who you are shows the world what you are capable of. You are fantastic in many ways. No need to have a mask. No need to be shameful of where you came from, on what you are doing for a living as long as it is morally disabusing. No matter what may be your state in life, as long as you are you, things will go well.
Remember that you should never be afraid of the happenings around you as long as you can stand above the rest, as long as you can stand out in a crowd, you are the better one, not them, not the people putting you down continually. I believe as my age, you can act the way we should act, matured, the way that those people won’t have reasons to drag you beneath.
For truth, I don’t like people, yes they are being true to themselves, but saying words that may offend others knowing that they didn’t do something to those. Saying hurtful words like teasing without looking on you. Like who are you to judge them? Like who are these people that you look down so much? Haven’t you realized that they are just way better than you? Because they can’t fight back, it does not necessarily means they are not throbbed. Even you are rich, even you have the prettiest face, even you have the richest person to fool, even you have the greatest person to have with, and it doesn’t mean that you can degrade someone so hard. You are just killing their innocence.
In fact, I can’t be the good girl here, I am saying bad words, expressions as I may say, and now I am shameful of it. Not because I said so that you just have to be yourself, doesn’t and will never dignify that you shouldn’t change those acts. When needed to, change, when not to and you are not harming people, stay the same.
Well, enough said just ignore them, flip your hair girl, wink, and tell yourself, you are the best, it is not said in your heels that you are wearing, not in the make-up that fits you, not in the dress that collides with your body, it is always within you. The value of your heart, the value of things you know, the value of forgiveness in spite of those people who shamelessly fire you behind your back, the value of knowing love, friendship, truthfulness, faith and self confidence. Turn around the world before you, they may see you nothing, but to God you are everything. Go girl! You are one of the magnificent people in earth. Don’t keep yourself away from the light; it is time to have your own disco ball and spotlight. You are everything, not perfect but close to perfection.

SM: this is for the kind ones, not the pervert ones. 